So... this year... Christmas is going to be rough. For several weeks I have played games in my head pretending that by pulling off our usual traditions (for the kids), I will be just fine. The anxiety that grows inside me each time I think about it proves otherwise.
Has anyone ever hurt you so much that you cannot even look him or her in the eyes? I mean- get -past the anger and the stare-down phase... go right to that hurt. Can you do it? Can you look them in the eyes?
I am at that place. And to think- that for the sake of my children (and a good "sake" at that) I will be spending a significant amount of time with the person that has ripped me in two... and I can't even begin to look that person in the eyes... because I know I'll cry... and I've done enough of that... well......... geeze.
Back to Christmas. I know that if I set myself up for upset,sadness, misery- that is just what I'll get. So in turn I am trying my best to be positive about all of this. What happens, though, is that I am reminded that I have spent the last 19 years celebrating Christ's birthday with the same person. While it still seems that we still still be celebrating the holiday together (again- for our children), this year will also hold a prodigious element of rejection.
Sometimes it is just plain hard being positive. It is my choice... I can either make the best out of it, or wallow in misery. I am choosing to be positive! Some days it doesn't work so well, but it is getting easier and easier to recognize negative thoughts and replace them with better, more uplifting ones.
I have a lot of people in my life that are very supportive, but also think they know what I am feeling by their own personal experiences, or just trying to put themselves in my shoes. I am told frequently what I must be feeling or thinking- and a lot of the times it's not quite right. I think that sometimes people can get an idea of what I am thinking or truly feeling if they will just listen to me and stop projecting their own stuff onto me. Sure, I have my sad days and my angry days- but I am a mentally healthy individual who can recognize these times... and knows when it is time to retreat into personal space for a while.
I am ok, and will be ok. I am moving forward and making plans for the future. My biggest problem is exhaustion... but probably a lot of folks with 3 kids are exhausted. Bedtime is the hardest, because my girls like cuddle time and the baby likes cuddle time... and sometimes it's 11:30 or 12 before everyone is in bed, stuff is ready for the next day, things are cleaned up, etc... The times that I just wait until morning to do- well... I regret it in the morning. It's much better to start the day off fresh without dishes that need to be done, bags packed, yada yada yada. So you see, doing these things until midnight leaves little to no down (or "me") time... Hence the exhaustion. These are the times I fight anger the most. But... as I said... it's getting easier.
God has given me some awesome tools and amazing strength. He is wonderful!! Thank God for God- right? And thank God for 3 wonderful kids and a great supportive family and awesome friends and... the list could go on forever. Every night when the girls say prayers we have a thankful time... we say what we are thankful for. Last night we were thankful for game night. It's so much fun to sit around playing games with each other. I will cherish these times forever. I know they will, too...