The Greatest Commandment

Love the Lord your God will all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

My Own Little World

A few months ago I was in Asheville shopping. It was a fairly cold day, but I don't think it was snowing or anything. I had been in the mall for awhile and when I came out, there was a homeless guy wandering from person to person in the parking lot. I knew he was going to approach me, so I had already come up with several excuses for why I couldn't help him by the time he got to my car. He was either intoxicated or was suffering from a pretty serious mental illness... or probably both. He wasn't rude at all, but rather used manners, and when I turned him down (umm... I don't have any money... seriously? I just came out of a SHOPPING mall and said THAT?? Lame.), he simply nodded and walked the other way, looking for someone else.


Whew. Off the hook.

Until I came out of the next store, that is... There he was again! Still circulating and asking anyone he saw for some help. This time I paid attention to what he was saying. "Do you have any change or a dollar so I can get something to eat?" The nudge inside of me said, "What are you going to do?" My brain said, "Drive fast." Afterall, I am a female, and I didn't want to put myself in harms way.



Well, an hour or so went past, and I hopped from store to store. Finally, it was time to go home. I stopped by the gas station for a quick fill-up, and guess what? There he was AGAIN. Ugh. And there came that nudge. Again. So what do you think I did?? I quickly hit the pay & pump and jumped in my car to avoid eye contact. No eye-contact means he'll leave me alone, right?

I sat in my car while it filled up with gas and watched him circulate from individual to individual. What I saw was heart-breaking. What I saw was what I was guilty of myself. Judgment and shunning. People were "shooing" him away as if he were a dog. One person actually stood there while he filled up his own tank and angrily told the guy to get away, that they had no use for him. His wife sat in the car and gave shameful stares at the guy. The looks she gave him will stay in my memory forever. It was simply horrifying. At that moment, the thoughts that entered my head were things like, "He's a human being! What makes us better than him, just because we aren't in his situation. I don't care if he's drunk or crazy or whatever, he deserves to be shown love. This is a PERSON."

The nudge was still there. Obviously.

"What are you going to do, Kristin?" (that's when I know it's God. He never calls me Kris... I know my mom would appreciate this.)

I answered back. "I don't know. I can't give him money."
God: "Why not?"
Me: "I really don't have any cash. And I don't really have much money to begin with."
God: "Are you hungry?"
Me: "Yes, actually I was thinking of going in to get a snack for the drive home."
God: "He is, too."

ok. ok. So I decide to go into the store and get both of us a snack. As soon as I walked in, the judging thoughts came back to me.

Me: "What should I get him. He is homeless and hungry and begging. I should just get him some lance crackers, or something cheap from this stand over here... nothing much, but ...
God: "What are you going to get for yourself?"
Me: "A coke and some chips! Why not treat myself?"
God: "Get him what you buy yourself. He doesn't deserve any less."

When I walked outside, a little shaky and certainly humbled, I was prepared to hand over the snack and bolt. Thing is, he was GONE! I actually questioned God about why He would have me buy something knowing the guy was going to be gone! So I got in my car and thought, maybe He was just trying to teach me a lesson on showing love and mercy. It's weird, because part of me was relieved, but most of me was disappointed. The man was actually on my heart.

God: "He is walking, you know... he couldn't be far. Go look for him. I will guide you."

So following God's directions, I turned up a road that I had no clue to where it would lead... Sure enough, within just a few minutes, I saw the guy outside of a bowling alley. The manager was standing out front with her arms crossed, making sure that he wouldn't get near the front door, and giving him a stare down similar to the one the lady in the car at the gas station had given. Ugly. Plain and simple. Ugly.

I rolled down my window and motioned for him to come to my car window. I had to do this several times as he looked around for under cover cops or something. Clearly, he didn't trust me. Finally, when he got to my window (and the manager was ready to come assist by the "ready" stance she had taken), I simply gave him a coke and a bag of chips and said, "Here. Try to stay warm tonight."

The look in his eyes is another one of those images that will never leave me. He was speechless. He tried to say something, but got choked up, and just looked at me with a side-ways kind-of question... like he wanted to say "really??" but couldn't.

I'm absolutely not lying to you when I tell you the lyrics to the song that was on the radio as I rolled up my window. This is the part of the Matthew West that was actually playing.

"Stopped at the red light, looked out my window
Outside the car, saw a sign, said "Help this homeless widow"
Just above this sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, "God, what have I been doing?"
So I rolled down my window and I looked her in the eye
Oh how many times have I just passed her by
I gave her some money then I drove on through
in my own little world there's
Population two"



  

I have been very hesitant to share this story publicly for many reasons. The first and main one is because of what Matthew 6:1-4 tells us.

Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding. "When you do something for someone else, don't call attention to yourself. You've seen them in action, I'm sure—'playactors' I call them— treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that's all they get. When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out. (The Message)

Several months ago I had a friend call me out on this. While at the time, I was not making a production of my serving, it came across that I was, which is also not good. I have checked with God several times on this, and He wants me to share the story for many reasons, but mainly because of where my heart was. He (and I) believes that other people can totally relate to it, and by sharing this, perhaps another heart will be changed. Mine sure was. I have served poor populations for years and years. I have "pretended" (my opinion) to serve the homeless by periodically serving in soup kitchens or handing out food, but my heart has never been truly, truly in it. You see, I always placed some sort of judgment on this population. Always. Most of the time, without even meaning to, I "rank" people. A hierarchy of the human population, so to speak. As I said, it's never been intentional, but I still do it. Distinction. Human supremecy at it's best... by a proclaiming Christian. Some people will argue that this is acceptable, as there are just bad people in this world and if we are always giving hand-outs, they will never learn or change. But this guy in Asheville, remember? Either drunk... or crazy... or both? I didn't know squat about him and I still judged him, or more clearly put, classified myself as a more soverign individual. And I've done it my entire life.

I finally decided to share the guilt I carry because of the way I have ignored God's word. Over the last couple of months, not only have I heard that song a million more times, God continually nudges me to do more. Matthew 25 tells us very clearly what He expects from us: (again, from The Message)

When he finally arrives, blazing in beauty and all his angels with him, the Son of Man will take his place on his glorious throne. Then all the nations will be arranged before him and he will sort the people out, much as a shepherd sorts out sheep and goats, putting sheep to his right and goats to his left. "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why:


I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me.


"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.'


"Then he will turn to the 'goats,' the ones on his left, and say, 'Get out, worthless goats! You're good for nothing but the fires of hell. And why? Because—


I was hungry and you gave me no meal,
I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,
I was homeless and you gave me no bed,
I was shivering and you gave me no clothes,
Sick and in prison, and you never visited.'


Then those 'goats' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or homeless or shivering or sick or in prison and didn't help?'


"He will answer them, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me.'








I don't know what exactly it is that God is calling me or leading me to do here, but I DO know that He is changing my heart daily. The man in Asheville was a wake-up call to how hardened and cynical my own heart had become. I am thankful that God has forgiven me, though, and even more thankful that He loves me enough to discipline me gently. Finding fault in others is something I am guilty of, and He reminds me frequently.

"Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone." John 8:7 (NIV)

All in all, I was living in my own little world. Admittedly, I still do. But God is working in me and through me. As I said earlier, there were a lot of reasons I am sure He wanted me to share this, but I believe the main one is because perhaps someone out there will begin to let Him change their heart as well. I have begged Him for years... "God, break my heart for what breaks yours."

Well... He has.




Matthew West's "My Own Little World.



In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I've never gone hungry or always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population me

I try to stay awake through the Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give 'til it hurts
and I turn off the news when I don't like what I see
it's easy to do when it's
population me

What if there's a bigger picture
what if I'm missing out
What if there's a greater purpose
I could be living right now
outside my own little world

Stopped at the red light, looked out my window
Outside the car, saw a sign, said "Help this homeless widow"
Just above this sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, "God, what have I been doing?"

So I rolled down my window and I looked her in the eye
Oh how many times have I just passed her by
I gave her some money then I drove on through
in my own little world there's
Population two

What if there's a bigger picture
what if I'm missing out
What if there's a greater purpose
I could be living right now
outside my own little world
Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours
give me open hands and open doors
put Your light in my eyes and let me see
that my own little world is not about me










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