My world has been rocked. It's the only way to describe what has happened to my family. My husband of 12 years, and partner of 19, decided that he was not happy anymore. He has done some things I never would have thought possible... and said some things I never thought I would hear... and has left me with more responsibilities than I ever could have imagined. But you know... I'm ok. I'm choosing to be ok. I am CHOOSING to be happy. I AM AT PEACE.
I am learning a new way of life and I am learning how to be happy- even when life isn't fair. God is almighty and I praise Him... for HE IS GOOD. He has good things in store for me- even if I've gotta go through a fire to get 'em. I LOVE him. I TRUST him. I SURRENDER to him. He is teaching me how to live again.
I've never done an online journal... and certainly never let anyone READ my journals... but this is cool. I'm learning to live again! Why not?
The girls struggle on a daily basis with their daddy leaving. He is so important to them, as they are to him. This does not make any sense at all to them (well- to anybody really...), but they dare not rock his boat and ask him. He has taught them, just as he learned as a child, to not question what he says. Authoritarian... sometimes it's easier that way, huh? He really is a good father. A good husband, too. Aside from physical abuse, is anything really ever worth divorcing over? I promised him and I promised God... till death do us part. I meant it, too. Even when I didn't like him (which is now!) and even when I wondered what else might be out there... I never broke that promise. This sweet baby boy will never know his daddy like he could. Who could give that up? Someone who is thinking of their own needs, I suppose.
God is pro-marriage. Will he forgive us if we divorce? Certainly. Does he want us to work this out? Even more certainly. Does he want me to wait patiently while he does his work in all of this? Umm... yeah. And that is the hard part. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I am certain of this; God is IN CHARGE. Something good is in store. While I hope it's a better marriage... to my current husband... I know whatever it is will be great. All things work together for Good for THOSE WHO BELIEVE. I believe...
So the question in bible study yesterday was this; What is the difference between grief and self-pity. So far this is all I can come up with: For me- I know I am in the middle of a pity party when the sadness turns into vindictive thoughts. It's ok to be sad... but it ain't ok to want to get even. Can you imagine if Jesus had gotten even for all the times he was wronged?? He had the power, too...
As I passed the funeral home visitation line of a high school friend tonight I got to thinking... if tomorrow I were the one diagnosed with cancer- what would I change? You know what I would change? I would begin to LIVE. I choose to be happy. I choose to love freely. I choose to give. I choose to be positive. I choose to be ME. I choose to live for God.
Thank you, Father, for the wonderful work you are doing in my life... and thank you for giving your son- who never ever would have gotten even. Thank you.