I always wished I was from the north so I could say Gads and it not sound weird. Oh well!!
I am in a mood tonight. I had to listen to the sounds of one child grieving the "loss" of her father, another child worry about whether or not her father would be coming to Thanksgiving at school (despite me saying he would), and another child- who barely knows his father and probably won't ever know him any better than a grandparent- cry for the same hour as the 1st child mentioned.
Battlefield of the Mind is the bible study I have been working on. It's wonderful and could not have come at a better time... but I still struggle. Not just on a daily basis... not just on an hourly basis... sometimes on a minute by minute basis. I don't know if it is Satan or just my situation, but I am having a moment of incredible difficulty being positive and finding positive in all.
Damn it. I don't understand. If I don't understand- I can't even begin to put myself in my kids' shoes. It is simply awful to watch your child struggle- and yet not really be able to help. It's not fair, either.
Daddy has become the "fun" one. He takes them to dinner, he takes them to ballgames, he takes them to movies... and every now and then he helps with homework. Mommy is the one who makes them clean their rooms, bedrooms, play areas, dishes, toilets and anything else they come into contact with. Ok- I'm the bad guy. I admit it. But someone has to teach them about life.
But I'm also the one who has to soothe the tears, guide the anger and help them understand why the person they used to trust the most in this world walked out on them. They don't hear it when he says "I'm here for you- you can come to me anytime." What they hear is what they see... Daddy left us. I am also the only one who has to cook, clean, bathe, wipe, etc.... It is very very tiring. Having a baby in the house is hard enough- but doing it as a single parent is exhausting.
Tonight I am negative. I don't want to be- but I am so I must just accept it, pray about it, and move on. I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and feel better, assuming the kids sleep some. I'm trying to remember that no matter what I will be a better person in the long run. I already am...