The Greatest Commandment

Love the Lord your God will all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Gads

I always wished I was from the north so I could say Gads and it not sound weird. Oh well!!

I am in a mood tonight. I had to listen to the sounds of one child grieving the "loss" of her father, another child worry about whether or not her father would be coming to Thanksgiving at school (despite me saying he would), and another child- who barely knows his father and probably won't ever know him any better than a grandparent- cry for the same hour as the 1st child mentioned.

Battlefield of the Mind is the bible study I have been working on. It's wonderful and could not have come at a better time... but I still struggle. Not just on a daily basis... not just on an hourly basis... sometimes on a minute by minute basis. I don't know if it is Satan or just my situation, but I am having a moment of incredible difficulty being positive and finding positive in all.

Damn it. I don't understand. If I don't understand- I can't even begin to put myself in my kids' shoes. It is simply awful to watch your child struggle- and yet not really be able to help. It's not fair, either.

Daddy has become the "fun" one. He takes them to dinner, he takes them to ballgames, he takes them to movies... and every now and then he helps with homework. Mommy is the one who makes them clean their rooms, bedrooms, play areas, dishes, toilets and anything else they come into contact with. Ok- I'm the bad guy. I admit it. But someone has to teach them about life.

But I'm also the one who has to soothe the tears, guide the anger and help them understand why the person they used to trust the most in this world walked out on them. They don't hear it when he says "I'm here for you- you can come to me anytime." What they hear is what they see... Daddy left us. I am also the only one who has to cook, clean, bathe, wipe, etc.... It is very very tiring. Having a baby in the house is hard enough- but doing it as a single parent is exhausting.

Tonight I am negative. I don't want to be- but I am so I must just accept it, pray about it, and move on. I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and feel better, assuming the kids sleep some. I'm trying to remember that no matter what I will be a better person in the long run. I already am...

3 comments:

Mindy said...

Kris -
I hope that you ALL got some sleep last night.
I will be praying for you all this morning as I work on some things.
I'm sorry that your evening was so difficult. If there is anything we can do, please don't hesitate to ask. I know we've not been here for all of this and don't know about it all, but we are praying for you and are here if you need us.
in HIM -
Mindy

oh, and you can pull off 'gads' if you want to.....but this way southern girl might not get it....=)

kcarr325 said...

Kris -
I'm sorry to hear you had a rough night. I know it's probably just one of many. I am glad that you can share it. Just want you to know you are not alone - I can relate to so much of your struggle. Fortunately, my girls are younger, but they both went through unique struggles of their own with their Dad being gone. They still do, but it does get better. For us, our life is so much better together without the fussing and fighting - tension all the time. The girls are happier, except when they're sad. And they NEVER used to be sad that we saw. And, of course, as their mom and primary care givers, we're the only ones who see that part or have to deal with the pain head on. We are the bad guys. I have already heard comments about wanting to live with Daddy. The first time, it broke my heart - but now I have more perspective and understand where that comes from. I can say that the time we have together is a true gift and it is so much richer now that we don't have so much "weight" to deal with. None of it makes much sense to me. I just want you to know you're not alone. I am really looking forward to spending time with you this weekend.

Nanny Pat said...

"It is simply awful to watch your child struggle- and yet not really be able to help...."

Yes, my child. It is truly simply awful.

I love you,
Mom