Today has been a long, long day. Last night I went on an impromptu trip to IKEA with a friend (thanks Alicia!) to find some organization stuff for Emily (who doesn't have a closet...). We didn't get home until about 1:30 in the morning, and then... thanks to the coffee I had on the way home... I was up until after 4. I was up again at 8 to get to basketball games, and the day has not ended yet. The youth group will be here tomorrow for a Super Bowl Party, and I have been cleaning the garage for a few days... which means I have a lot more cleaning to do before they get here. The problem is... I'm rather preoccupied today. Wanting desperately to make peace with a few people, but it's not really happening. Well... I guess I really don't know that, but it's not happening as quickly as I would like for it to happen. I worry a lot these days, and now I just have all of these relationship concerns on my heart and mind. I have been so scatterbrained while working, that I'm not really getting anywhere... so I finally just sat down to get some thoughts out. Why not? It's what a blog is for, right? I still kinda have some reservations about this "public journal" thing, but so far the best excuse I can come up with for continuing (other than the obvious therapeutic reasons), is that when there is a chance that someone might read it, I am somehow "forced" to be more kind, honest and real. Perhaps there is someone, somewhere, going through something similar...
So... as I sat down to blog a bit, get my thoughts organized so I can get back to work, whatever... my online devo popped up. Ironic? I think not. It's on patience... and coming out of the "dark." I'll include some of what I just read...
Wait. The psalmist simply says, "I waited." Waiting is not passive. Waiting is meant to be a time of preparation, a time of rest and healing,
- To wait means to accept the pit. Isaiah 45:3 (NIV) "I will give you hidden treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
Any time "LORD" is capitalized in Scripture, it means "Abba Father." This verse indicates that our Father has gone before us and in every dark moment or painful circumstance has buried a treasure or stored a secret. The only way we can find the treasure or learn the secret is to pass through that darkness. Some things cannot be learned in the light. To wait means to accept the pit, knowing it is for our good.
- To wait means to admit there is a problem. Isaiah 40:29 (NLT) "He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak."
Emotional health begins at the point of emotional integrity with a willingness to say "I need help!" When clinical depression overwhelmed my life, my husband was the pastor of a large church in South Florida. We could choose to be transparent and real or we could sweep my struggle under the rug. We concluded that in order to be right, we had to be real. Dan and I shared my battle with the staff, the deacons and then with the entire church. Yes, we took a risk but learned an important lesson in doing so. A shared load is a lighter load. We were created to need each other.
- To wait means to be still. Psalm 40:1 "I waited …" To wait means to hope in and look for someone or something who will rescue us.
So much about God can never be known on the run. I was so wrapped up in serving God that I had failed to be wrapped up in Him. During those two years in the pit, I not only gave up every role of leadership, there were many times when I could not even attend church because of panic attacks. God taught me an important truth. He is more concerned with who I am than what I do. No one can take my place in His heart.
Wow. There isn't much more I can say right now other than wow.
I will finish with the prayer from the devotion... which is certainly hitting home for me today.
Father, I am so tired. I can't hear Your voice or sense Your presence in my life. My faith is weak and I need Your strength to go on. Right now, I am laying the broken pieces of my life at Your feet and counting on You to come through for me.