One would think that after 2 1/2 years, I would have sorted through it all and have a brand new sparkling life to show for it... but the reality is that while things are better... they are still incredibly trying, and almost unbearable at times. Broken relationships, frustrated friends, dwindling finances, stressed out kids, little time for self-care.... everything just seems so negative and overwhelming sometimes. Divorce isn't easy, folks... and I'll say it again for all of you out there who sometimes find yourselves thinking it's an answer... it's not.
Most of the time I feel guilty. Guilty about something. Someone (usually my children) is always being neglected, short-changed or abused by my stressed out self. It's tough always feeling like I'm letting someone down, but have resolved myself to the fact that my kids come before anything or anyone else... so everything else will have to wait. This week I have had 2 sick children... which compounds the stress of just normal, every day life. Two nights without sleep followed by a night of broken sleep is enough to make anyone go nuts, but I believe I took it a step too far. I have been so tired I have "looked" for any outlet in which I could project the stress. Friends, family, you name it. It's definitely not fair, but I can't change it now... and unfortunately these folks (who have been in the spot light before), are unwilling to deal with it anymore. So now I'm tired (because of my schedule AND sick kids) and stressed (same reasons) and now heartbroken because I let myself get to a place in which I couldn't appreciate the love I was receiving, thus causing me to lose it.
So... it's a month of love. February. It's been years, really, since Valentines day has been a day of celebration for me, but it always depresses me. This year, however, I have another plan. The three little people I made out of LOVE are going to get so much LOVE, they won't be able eat, breathe or sleep without thinking about how much they are LOVED. This doesn't involve money... as we all know (or should know), that money can't buy love... but TIME. The one thing I beg for from the people I love is time, and it seems that no matter how much time I get, I'm so flippin' deprived of this time, that I can't get enough. It's kinda like food, I guess. When people deprive themselves of the things they love to eat, it usually ends up in a great big binge. I'm like that with time... whatever time I can get isn't fully enjoyed because I'm thinking about either 1) it's about to end, 2) I need more, or 3) when will I get more. Stupid, I know... but it's how it is right now. So... because time is what I so cherish... and what my kids BEG for... TIME = LOVE. The laundy, dishes, house, homework, etc will just have to suffer because my kids are worth WAY more than a clean house.
Happy Valentine's Day... I hope you each receive the love you deserve.