Squirrel!!!

“You’re so A.D.D. you can’t even make it to the second ‘D!’”

A statement made by a friend once upon a time… but it’s true. I admit it. I can totally relate to the dogs in the movie, "Up." I do not have the hyperactive component, but I definitely have the inattentive type. Sometimes it is a struggle just to get through an hour! I consider myself an intelligent person, and because of this, I have formed coping skills over the years to help me be more successful. However, often times I choose (yes, it’s a choice) NOT to use my tools… and in turn I wind up in trouble! I struggle with things like talking on the phone and driving… as there is no telling where I will end up if I’m not purposefully thinking about where I am going. My dear friend, Alicia, has rescued me numerous times from those occasions.

One time I was leading a youth leader meeting. We were actually having a pretty important conversation regarding leadership and the time commitment needed for the upcoming year… but we were outside… so I’m sure you can imagine my struggle! So… long story made short… I was mid-sentence when this enormous Q-tip went flying by! Actually, it was a bug of some sort… but it honestly looked like those things we clean our ears or our newborn’s belly buttons with. My attention immediately went to this flying cotton ball on a stick! The problem was, as I said, I was mid-sentence… and it probably sounded a little like this; “Before you make this commitment for next year, I would really like for you to pray about it and honestly answer some tough questions. Not only do I need to know that your heart is fully into this ministry… but the kids OH LOOK AT THAT BUG!!!”

I still haven’t lived that one down.

A couple of weeks ago I went on a women’s spiritual retreat. We were in this beautiful cabin on the top of a mountain (I’m NOT exaggerating!) in Pigeon Forge, TN. It was almost impossible not to get lost in the beauty and glory of God from the view alone! The weekend was entitled “Saturated 2012.” We went there to be fully submersed in the Holy Spirit. Boy howdy, were we ever!!

One of the first things we did that weekend was sit in silence, eyes closed, palms open, listening for the Holy Spirit. Can you imagine what this is like for someone with ADD??? I have a million different things going on in my head! You want me to sit in silence for how long?? 20 minutes? Right.

Well… I had to at least try. So… I sit, eyes closed, palms open, contemplatively listening. Here come the random thoughts… Who knows what they were… but they sure were distracting. So I asked God to block out the thoughts and the rest of the world (I mean, even a little sneeze will send my brain into la la land sometimes…). As soon as I asked for it, He gave me a vision. It was a cross, and He said to me, “Focus on me.” Once I focused on that cross, it became easier to listen. Actually, He wasn’t really speaking to me a lot at that point (other than a repetitive “Focus on me”), but was pointing out to me some of the distractions that I brought with me that weekend. The message was very clear… it was to focus on Him, and not worry or think about anything else. He has me in the palm of His hand. (This went on several times… )

Then another vision came. At first it was a glimpse of Jesus’ face. But the face was also surrounded by white, and the white appeared larger and larger until it looked like HUGE angel wings. As it got closer and closer to me, I realized the wings were more like arms, and they were embracing me. It felt like He was giving me a giant hug, and all I had to do was sit there and receive it. I felt like a little girl reaching up to be held by her father.

A little while later, a friend approached me. She said her eyes were itching during our silent time and as she was rubbing them, she opened them and caught a glimpse of me. The image of me sitting on the floor with palms turned up gave her a strong reminder of me as a little girl… reaching up to my daddy.

Wow. What a powerful presence the Holy Spirit is.

Over the next few days, I am going to try to put my experience into words. As much as I like to write, I am struggling to come up with words that can describe some of the images I was given over a 2 day time period. At first, I thought maybe I am not supposed to be sharing this… or the words would come more easily… but every day I feel the nudge to sit down and take some uninterrupted time to get it into writing. I don’t know if it will take me one blog or several to adequately describe, in detail, what gift I was given… but I do promise to begin the task at hand.

In the meantime, enjoy a short clip involving a dog with ADD from the movie “Up.” J

A Talking Dog!

Up

— MOVIECLIPS.com

Training Wheels

Wow. It’s been over a year since I have blogged online. Oh, I’ve still been writing… but it’s been in my little brown journal… just for me! I’ve been feeling the urge to get back on here for a while now, so here goes…

So… a few weeks ago, on a beautiful day here in the mountains, we took our bikes and went to the park. Andy just got a new bike for Christmas so he was ecstatic that we were going! He had his cute little spider-man helmet (and horn!) on in the car before we even got there! The girls are pros on their bikes so they just took off. Andy, however, is new to a bike with training wheels. He had a tricycle before, but now he’s a big boy!

Off he went! Until… that is… he came to his first “hill.” I say hill, because that’s what he called it… but really… it was more like a tiny little bitty slope. Really. It’s not even noticeable when walking. But the Bubs noticed it and was scared. He got off of his bike and walked down it. At the “bottom,” he got back on and rode around the loop again… until he got to the slope… (are you seeing the pattern now?) Erin and I both tried to convince him he would be just fine if he rode down it, but he was too intimidated by the steep mountain in front of him. I even offered to hold the back of his bike while he went down, but it was just too much to consider. He looped around and around (walking down the hill, of course) for about 30 minutes. But THEN… one time… he got off of his bike… and started asking questions. “How fast is it?” “Will I fall?” “How do I know I won’t fall?” “How do I know it’s not fast??” “etc…………………………….”

Finally… he worked up the nerve. He. Rode. Down. The. Hill. !!!!!

Well… kinda. He freaked out about mid-way and did that “I’m losing control” thing that we do when we lose control on a bike… steered into the grass and promptly crashed. Once he realized he wasn’t dead… or even hurt… he got up, asked if he could try again, and walked his bike back up to give it another go. Mind you, I was standing at the “bottom” of the hill, in the curve, trying to coach him to a successful finish! (like a good mom, right??)

He was slow at first, but eventually he figured out his bike, his balance, the slope and the brakes. Over and over he went down that hill, getting faster with each attempt. I stood there at the bottom on pins and needles, waiting for the big crash and whatever stitches would go along with it. I kept wanting to run up and hold the back of his seat and control his speed, direction and wobbling! But… I didn’t. I taught him what he needed to know and I had to let him learn it himself.

That’s when it hit me.

As I stood in the corner of this gianormous alp (what? It was big to him!), I was overcome with a realization of this must be what it’s like for God to watch us flounder and flop before we figure out what it is He has taught us. It would be a lot easier if He just made it more elementary for us… but there is something about the pain that helps us learn in a more permanent manner. He knows everything about what our pain feels like, but He also knows that if He does what we want Him to do, which is make it all easier, we won’t grow into the magnificent and beautiful butterflies that He intends for us to become.

On a youth mission trip a couple of years ago, a young lady (Maggie) was helping us repair a rotten section of a family’s roof. The roof really needed to be completely demolished and rebuilt. It actually would have been a lot easier if we could have taken the whole thing off and started fresh… but that wasn’t the plan. The supervisor for the mission gave us instructions to salvage what we could, replace the rotten wood with new, and then re-shingle. We did a lot of “sistering boards,” which meant taking the strongest portion of the old wood and attaching new wood to it to provide strength. During the process, there was a lot of frustration and discouragement, as not only was our task incredibly hard, it also would thunderstorm about every 45 minutes. I think we spent more time tarping and re-tarping during the first 2 days than we did roof repair. Anyway… one afternoon late in the week, we were all staring at yet another section of completely rotten wood. All we could see was how bad things looked. Several times throughout this week a hand or foot went through the roof, which only gave us more work to do. As leaders, we were beginning to be completely overwhelmed, which is never good... On this particular afternoon, however, an interesting observation was made. There were butterflies everywhere. They had been there all week, but because it wasn’t raining, they were abundant in number. They were gorgeous Monarch butterflies and it was hard not to just sit and stare at them! Finally, one of the teenagers in the group asked the obvious question, “Why are there so many butterflies around here??” My co-leader was very quick to respond, “They feed off of rotten wood… and there is nothing but rotten wood all over this house.” Silence fell upon the group as we took in the meaning of what my co-leader had said. Maggie was the one who broke the silence.

“That’s the beauty of the rot.”

Now I doubt she even has a clue that her statement has stuck with me as long as it has. In fact, I’m not sure she even knows how profound it was in the first place! However… her simple sentence reminds me over and over again that there is something beautiful in EVERYTHING. We just need to notice it. When we are struggling to just get through the day, look for the good. Always find more blessings than bummers, because if you don’t, you can’t grow and change into what God has planned for you.

God tells us this, too.

It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. Psalm 119:71

Neither this man nor is parents sinned,” said Jesus, “But this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” John 9:3

This is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.” 2 Cor 9:10

Consider is pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may become mature and complete, not lacking in anything. James 1:2-4

Bless those who persecute you. Bless, and do not curse. Romans 12:14

He heals the broken hearted, binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

So do not fear, for I am with you: Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

God is always with us… no matter what… and can make the scary hills less scary… and can help us learn how to maneuver down them, no matter how steep or tough the challenge.

No matter what, though, look for the beauty in the rot.

The Speeding Ticket

"Mam, I pulled you over for speeding. Is there a reason you were going so fast?"

Ummm... YEAH. I'm in a H-U-R-R-Y.

I'm ALWAYS in a hurry. Aren't you? (But this time, I was actually going slower than I usually do...) I was trying to keep up with someone, but they were going faster than I was... and the group of cars in which they were traveling was going faster as well. Somehow... someway... with about 6 cars in front of me traveling at a speed greater than 70 miles an hour in a 55 mph zone... that State Trooper decided that I was the one he would stop. (and this just HAPPENED to fall on the same day in which my insurance agent informed me that I would have 2 points drop off of my license in a couple of months... for speeding.......)

It really doesn't matter that the cars in front of me were going faster than me. It really doesn't matter that the cop could have and should have stopped someone else. The fact is... I was still going too fast. 70 in a 55. Yeah yeah. Blech.

The very next day, my daily devotion was on "speeding through life." God doesn't really want us to just speed through life, missing out on his beauty and gifts... but we do it anyway, filling every inch, every moment, with something. Something other than what He intended. SLOW DOWN. ENJOY YOUR LIFE. BE STILL. I thought about blogging about this topic that day, but just didn't have enough time. Ironic? Perhaps. But it really hadn't sunk in that day, or in hind-sight... at least as much as I think it needed to.

You see... when I got that ticket... my 3 kids and 2 others were with me. Since then, I have had constant comments from these non-licensed individuals regarding my speed at any particular moment. Normally, I would halt any discussion from my kids involving my driving, as what qualifies THEM to judge me?? The last few days, however, I have really needed that reminder to SLOW DOWN. My "lead foot" is something I have had since I began driving, and I suppose it has something to do with procrastinating, or filling in every spare inch of time with something, and constantly being "on the run." :) Regardless... I am actually having to learn to allow time in my drive each day to NOT speed. Weird? For ME, it is...

So here is where I am... today... when my speedometer hit 80... (i know...shhhh...), I PURPOSELY slowed down again... I took some time to FEEL what it feels like to go slower. You know what? It was uncomfortable. I didn't like it AT ALL and was rather annoyed that not only was I going to have to stick with this speed for awhile, but some people actually drive like this. I felt like a freaking turtle. Literally. I CAN'T DO THIS.

And then it hit me.

Maybe this is what God has been trying to tell me for some time now. "SLOW DOWN. But to do this... you are going to have to be uncomfortable for awhile. You can grow from this experience, but right now you aren't allowing any room for what this experience can do for you. You are going to have to feel the discomfort and start to understand yourself a little more in the process. WHY do you feel uncomfortable going so slowly? Facing reality can be excruciating... but I promise you that taking some time to FEEL it... and spending some time figuring out why it feels yucky... will be so beneficial for you in the long run."

oi.

So today, I drove a little slower. I didn't like it much. I did, however, take some time to admit to myself that while I don't like feeling like a turtle, there were a few things to gain from driving a little more slowly. More things to see... a more friendly atmosphere for those around me on the interstate... better gas mileage... and a safer driver to boot.

In real life, however, I can't help but wonder... and wait to see... what I have been missing. I will have to deal with some uncomfortable feelings in many areas... as I have been running at a top speed for some time now. Being busy is one thing, but flying through it all is another. My schedule will not change for quite some time... but the way in which I approach it certainly will.

In what way are you going too fast?

The Hiding Place...

Sunday night I hosted the youth group's annual Super Bowl party. Despite my best efforts, I was unable to get everything on my "to-do" list completed in time for the party. The result? I had to break open "the hiding place." My house looked nice and tidy to anyone just walking through, but a little digging around would have quickly revealed my secret.

The Hiding Place

This got me to thinking... this is a rather impeccable analogy to real life. (at least for my life, it is...) There are so many things I keep cleaned up and tidy for the world to see, but like my laundry and clutter filled closet, if someone happens upon an unlocked door, they are likely to find things I don't want anyone to see. This is true for most, if not all people, I predict, but in this particular instance on Sunday evening, the thought that crossed my mind was this:

"What is in my hiding place that needs to be found?"

In a short study by Rudelle Thomas, I read, "When you are speaking the Word of God in your situation and nothing is happening, take inventory of your life." For me, that inventory is packed... no... tossed, pushed and piled, into my hiding place. My goal this week is to open that door and begin the organization process. I know that after all those teenagers left on Sunday I started pulling things back out of the closet. As usual, it took awhile to go through all of that stuff and get it put away... and I wanted to quit and go to bed several times... but once it was done I sure did feel a lot better.

What's in YOUR hiding place?

Miss Thang and her mighty specs...

So... Erin got glassses!! How adorable is that face? You can't tell from the pic, but her glasses are purple with cool little designs on the sides. She picked them out herself and is VERY proud and pleased. Turns out she's blind as a bat. Well... not literally. But I can't see through her glasses... which means they are stronger than my reading glasses. She really couldn't see!!

Today has been a long, long day. Last night I went on an impromptu trip to IKEA with a friend (thanks Alicia!) to find some organization stuff for Emily (who doesn't have a closet...). We didn't get home until about 1:30 in the morning, and then... thanks to the coffee I had on the way home... I was up until after 4. I was up again at 8 to get to basketball games, and the day has not ended yet. The youth group will be here tomorrow for a Super Bowl Party, and I have been cleaning the garage for a few days... which means I have a lot more cleaning to do before they get here. The problem is... I'm rather preoccupied today. Wanting desperately to make peace with a few people, but it's not really happening. Well... I guess I really don't know that, but it's not happening as quickly as I would like for it to happen. I worry a lot these days, and now I just have all of these relationship concerns on my heart and mind. I have been so scatterbrained while working, that I'm not really getting anywhere... so I finally just sat down to get some thoughts out. Why not? It's what a blog is for, right? I still kinda have some reservations about this "public journal" thing, but so far the best excuse I can come up with for continuing (other than the obvious therapeutic reasons), is that when there is a chance that someone might read it, I am somehow "forced" to be more kind, honest and real. Perhaps there is someone, somewhere, going through something similar...

So... as I sat down to blog a bit, get my thoughts organized so I can get back to work, whatever... my online devo popped up. Ironic? I think not. It's on patience... and coming out of the "dark." I'll include some of what I just read...

Wait. The psalmist simply says, "I waited." Waiting is not passive. Waiting is meant to be a time of preparation, a time of rest and healing,

• To wait means to accept the pit. Isaiah 45:3 (NIV) "I will give you hidden treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."

Any time "LORD" is capitalized in Scripture, it means "Abba Father." This verse indicates that our Father has gone before us and in every dark moment or painful circumstance has buried a treasure or stored a secret. The only way we can find the treasure or learn the secret is to pass through that darkness. Some things cannot be learned in the light. To wait means to accept the pit, knowing it is for our good.

• To wait means to admit there is a problem. Isaiah 40:29 (NLT) "He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak."

Emotional health begins at the point of emotional integrity with a willingness to say "I need help!" When clinical depression overwhelmed my life, my husband was the pastor of a large church in South Florida. We could choose to be transparent and real or we could sweep my struggle under the rug. We concluded that in order to be right, we had to be real. Dan and I shared my battle with the staff, the deacons and then with the entire church. Yes, we took a risk but learned an important lesson in doing so. A shared load is a lighter load. We were created to need each other.

• To wait means to be still. Psalm 40:1 "I waited …" To wait means to hope in and look for someone or something who will rescue us.

  So much about God can never be known on the run. I was so wrapped up in serving God that I had failed to be wrapped up in Him. During those two years in the pit, I not only gave up every role of leadership, there were many times when I could not even attend church because of panic attacks. God taught me an important truth. He is more concerned with who I am than what I do. No one can take my place in His heart.

Be patient.

Wow. There isn't much more I can say right now other than wow.

Wow.

I will finish with the prayer from the devotion... which is certainly hitting home for me today.

Father, I am so tired. I can't hear Your voice or sense Your presence in my life. My faith is weak and I need Your strength to go on. Right now, I am laying the broken pieces of my life at Your feet and counting on You to come through for me.

Amen.

A Month of Love

One would think that after 2 1/2 years, I would have sorted through it all and have a brand new sparkling life to show for it... but the reality is that while things are better... they are still incredibly trying, and almost unbearable at times. Broken relationships, frustrated friends, dwindling finances, stressed out kids, little time for self-care.... everything just seems so negative and overwhelming sometimes. Divorce isn't easy, folks... and I'll say it again for all of you out there who sometimes find yourselves thinking it's an answer... it's not.

Most of the time I feel guilty. Guilty about something. Someone (usually my children) is always being neglected, short-changed or abused by my stressed out self. It's tough always feeling like I'm letting someone down, but have resolved myself to the fact that my kids come before anything or anyone else... so everything else will have to wait. This week I have had 2 sick children... which compounds the stress of just normal, every day life. Two nights without sleep followed by a night of broken sleep is enough to make anyone go nuts, but I believe I took it a step too far. I have been so tired I have "looked" for any outlet in which I could project the stress. Friends, family, you name it. It's definitely not fair, but I can't change it now... and unfortunately these folks (who have been in the spot light before), are unwilling to deal with it anymore. So now I'm tired (because of my schedule AND sick kids) and stressed (same reasons) and now heartbroken because I let myself get to a place in which I couldn't appreciate the love I was receiving, thus causing me to lose it.

So... it's a month of love. February. It's been years, really, since Valentines day has been a day of celebration for me, but it always depresses me. This year, however, I have another plan. The three little people I made out of LOVE are going to get so much LOVE, they won't be able eat, breathe or sleep without thinking about how much they are LOVED. This doesn't involve money... as we all know (or should know), that money can't buy love... but TIME. The one thing I beg for from the people I love is time, and it seems that no matter how much time I get, I'm so flippin' deprived of this time, that I can't get enough. It's kinda like food, I guess. When people deprive themselves of the things they love to eat, it usually ends up in a great big binge. I'm like that with time... whatever time I can get isn't fully enjoyed because I'm thinking about either 1) it's about to end, 2) I need more, or 3) when will I get more. Stupid, I know... but it's how it is right now. So... because time is what I so cherish... and what my kids BEG for... TIME = LOVE. The laundy, dishes, house, homework, etc will just have to suffer because my kids are worth WAY more than a clean house.

Happy Valentine's Day... I hope you each receive the love you deserve.

Newness

It's time to start blogging again.

But not tonight...